Built about 25 years ago, Epcot opened as the second theme park in the vast Walt Disney World resort complex. An acronym for “Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow,” Epcot is a vision of what the world will look like about a quarter of a century into the future – but from the perspective of 1983. Which means that it is basically a vision of the world today. Except highly inaccurate.
Epcot is the brainchild of Walt Disney, who, after creating his original Magic Kingdom theme park, had the creative spark and boundless imagination to envision a concept that he movingly described as “yet more slow-moving boat rides” and, also, “gift shops.”
Taking its cue from world’s fairs, the park consists of various pavilions. My wife, my three-year-old son, and I dove into what Epcot had to offer by visiting “The Land.”
The Land pavilion consists of a common area of hundreds of tables and chairs surrounded by various walk-up food vendors offering food that is – get this – grown on land.
If you are picturing something that looks like a food court in a modern mall, then you’ve almost got it. But remember: 1983. So, in other words, it looks almost exactly like the “sad mall” in your town. You know, the one even Sears moved out of. All that’s left is a vacuum-repair shop, some community college satellite classrooms, and the DMV express office.
Oh boy, vacuum repair shops break my heart. Throwing away an old vacuum and buying a new one is too much guilt for me to bear. Ask my wife. She had to go to Target to get our latest vacuum last month. She can show you where in the garage I keep the old ones that I “might get repaired someday.”
But hold on, Epcot’s better than the sad mall. There is a reason you paid $300 per person for admission. This food court has RIDES, baby! My wife, son, and I considered the options and selected an attraction called Living with the Land.
Standing in line for nearly 30 minutes, we were forced to view rainbow-hued walls decorated with inspiring quotes about the environment that were variously written by grade schoolers and political leaders (note: indistinguishable from one another).
I was so “inspired,” I penned my own quote about the environment. I’ll write Disney so they can put it up as soon as possible. Here it is:
We are not Earth’s owners
We should not treat the Earth as if it belongs to us
We are here only for a short time
We are more like renters
Would you sink a bunch of time and effort
Into maintaining an apartment you were renting?
Of course not
Just spray some Lysol on the carpet where you spilled that beer
And fill the holes in the walls with Colgate toothpaste …
Let us do just enough
Just enough
To get our security deposit back
It was finally time for the ride, which, despite being themed around “the Land,” involves – SPOILER ALERT – a slow-moving boat ride.
The journey involves drifting through scene after scene lushly decorated in silk plants. The artificial foliage is so intense, it rivals aisles 6 and 7 of your local Michaels craft store.
Yes, it’s that good.
But there’s more. A door whisks open and you enter a greenhouse, demonstrating the future of farming. It is, to be precise, exactly as fascinating as watching plants grow.
You know the only thing more exciting than watching plants grow? Us neither. But we were ready to find out.
We entered that portion of Epcot called “World Showcase.” This area contains charming re-creations of various foreign countries – Germany, France, China, etc. There’s not much in the way of attractions in this part of Epcot. Instead, you are meant to relax and take in the culture. Offered are the authentic cuisines of foreign lands: funnel cake, churros, ice cream, funnel cake, and ice cream. Oh – and also churros.
In fact, the only two rides in the World Showcase section are at the Mexico and Norway pavilions.
In Mexico, you enter an Aztec pyramid to board an attraction called the Gran Fiesta Tour, which involves – SPOILER ALERT – a slow-moving boat ride. The tour is hosted by Donald Duck and his friends, including anthropomorphized rooster pal, Panchito Pistoles. As your boat meanders, you are serenaded by a mariachi band, taken to a party in Acapulco, and shown fireworks in Mexico City. The ride ends in somewhat dispiriting fashion when Lou Dobbs arrives on scene to accuse Panchito Pistoles of having crossed the border illegally to take a good-paying job away from Foghorn Leghorn.
The Norway ride is Maelstrom, an adventure involving – SPOILER ALERT – a slow-moving boat ride. Your journey to “seek the Spirit of Norway” takes you past some trolls and polar bears, and then climaxes by revealing an enormous, looming model of an offshore oil-drilling platform.
The ride was so odd, it left me with one thought (as I strolled past the trolls in the disembarkation gift shop): This thing must have been financed by Norway.
Consumed with curiosity, that night back at the hotel I actually paid $9.95 (!) for Mickey’s Hi-Speed Internet Access. What did I learn? Norwegian investors fronted tens of millions to get the ride built, and at least up until 2002, Norway’s government made annual payments of $200,000 to Disney. Apparently in return for this support, Disney toned down the trolls and played up the offshore drilling.
Hmmm. Not exactly the proudest feature of most countries. But like I said, we are not the Earth’s owners.
I must admit that it has been twenty years or so since I saw EPCOT, but at that time it appeared to be, essentially, a large collection of walk-through advertisements.
Not as much fun as a flea market, but way more expensive.
Posted by: Tanner Andrews | August 19, 2008 at 10:36 AM
My memory of Epcot Center is warped now.
Didn't you hear the huge organ music at the France pavillion???? It was so good that I didn't need the boat rides. Sounds like it was the right way to go.
Posted by: Nana | May 12, 2008 at 06:28 PM