It’s been an open secret for a long time now that lawn mowers are a way for guys to fulfill their fantasy of owning and operating farm equipment. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life was allowing my wife to talk me out of getting a John Deere riding lawn-and-garden tractor for our new house.
Granted, our yard is not really large enough for a regulation tetherball game. How can I be so sure about that? You don’t want to know. And please don’t ask my wife about it either. While you're at it, please also don’t ask her about any of the following: arena croquet, pilates-ball golf, or Lawn Darts: 3-D.
Now, while I didn't get a riding lawn-mower, I did get a good walking mower. Not only is it self-propelled, but you don't even have to pull the ripcord to get it started. You start it by putting a key into the ignition and turning it. Why do I need a keyed ignition for a lawn mower? Because it is awesome. I generally let it stall out several times when mowing, just so I can tun the key and crank it up again it up again.
Now, while awesome lawn technology is old news, the introduction of awesomeness to inside-the-house technology is relatively new. You may have noticed that, in recent years, we’ve seen a radical leap forward in vacuum technology.
Pretending I'm a farmer when I'm mowing the lawn is great. But next time you turn down aisle 21B at your local Target, you’ll quickly see that today’s vacuums offer carpet owners something even better: The potential to live out their fantasy of owning and operating a nuclear reactor. You know, a small nuclear reactor - but extremely dangerous all the same.
That’s why, I’ve decided, THE biggest mistake of my life was letting my wife go to the store without me to buy a replacement vacuum cleaner.
Look at these Dyson vacuums. I am not sure of exactly what I am seeing here, but with all these cylindrical and tubular shapes, somewhere in there is pretty clearly a magma chamber. And that is definitely something I need.
Now, not all of today's vacuums look as cool as the Dysons, but most of them offer some kind of alluring hazard. Dirt Devil makes a vacuum with a containment vessel on it that is menacingly emblazoned with the words “REACTION Fresh."
Hoover makes - and this is the actual truth - an "ALL-TERRAIN STEAM VAC." It's "all-terrain" because it works on both hardwood floors and carpet.
Taking the whole enterprise up a notch is the Dyson DC25 (professional catalog shot at right). In addition to the standard reactor core on top, it has, as you can see, a sinister-looking metallic-yellow sphere, presumably containing enriched plutonium.
The vacuum my wife bought looks like ... hmmm. I can only describe it this way: a vacuum. What was she thinking? She must have been shopping completely at random, comparing factors such as price.
My wife asks me why I don’t do more of the vacuuming. Well, I'd vacuum if we had the Dyson DC25. That's a piece of equipment where, you don't turn it on, you "initiate the arming sequence." Believe me, I could put down my lawn mower for that.
WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE READING ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER IN LAW.
The reason we needed to get a new vacuum is that we had to replace our “eight-pound” Oreck XL. The Oreck XL has the aesthetics of an answering machine from 1977. It was given to us as a wedding present by my mother-in-law, presumably because - and this is not a real stretch here - the Oreck XL is heavily advertised on conservative talk radio.
In fact, nearly 75 percent of conservative talk radio commercials are for either the Oreck XL, the Bose Wave radio, Ovaltine, or the Duxiana "MemoryFoam" bed. The remainder of the commercials are for vitamin supplements hawked by Larry King and investment opportunities. Most of the investment opportunities are targeted to people who are deeply skeptical of wacko-liberal financial gimmicks, such as federally insured bank accounts.
"Are you concerned that the Democrats in Congress could surrender America to the Chinese? Experts predict that in such a scenario, American currency could become worthless. But for thousands of years gold has retained its value. Call Direct Gold for a free prospectus ..."
You know, maybe I can call in to Sean Hannity and enlist his help in pressuring my wife to get the Dyson DC25. Think about it. If civil order collapses, I'll need nuclear technology to help protect my family from the communists. And you know they'll be coming for us. Especially if they suspect we have our life's savings stored up as Direct-Gold-certified coins and tucked beneath our MemoryFoam mattress.
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