The Backbencher

You Just Lost the Olympics

The Olympics are now over, and it’s time to tally up the winners and losers.

Arguably the Games' most impressive story was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who became the greatest sprinter in history, winning three gold medals and setting world records with each one. Particularly stunning was Bolt’s performance in the 100 meters, where he got so far ahead of everyone else that, 20 meters from the finish, he slowed down, completed a moderate-difficulty sudoku, confirmed all his pending friend requests on Facebook, and then jogged lazily to the finish line.

And that brings us to the biggest loser of the games: Nike.

Usain Bolt accomplished all he did in sparkling metallic-gold Pumas. Yup, that wasn’t a typo: I’m talking about Puma-brand athletic shoes.

When I went to middle school, if you wore anything but Nikes, you had to be prepared to be locked in a janitorial closet from 5th period Friday through 2nd period Monday. It was humiliating. Plus, you missed “Knight Rider.”

My, how times have changed. Residents all over northwest Oregon must have heard the anguished screams of Nike executives every time Bolt effortlessly cruised to another victory. I love how Bolt rubbed it in by posing with the shoes for photographers.

Not only did Nike suffer that indignity, but, if you believe what you read on the athletic-apparel blogs (and who doesn't?), Nike was apparently ready to spend tens of millions of dollars to sign a deal with Michael Phelps. But they lost out. To Speedo.

And just to be clear about what we’re talking about: This is Nike trying to drop eight figures on an athlete who competes in a sport in which HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

More than that, his very smiling presence on television seems to say, “If you want to get an awesome body like mine from your workout, then YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES EITHER.”

And Nike lost him to Speedo?

I’ve got to say, I feel like this is a fate Nike richly deserves. When I went to the Atlanta Olympics as a spectator in 1996, Nike had a billboard hovering right over Centennial Olympic Park, where it was visible to all the athletes and their parents, reading:

“You don’t win silver. You lose gold.”

Hmmm. Bet they won't be resurrecting that ad campaign anytime soon.

Photo, above: A willing pawn in the global marketing wars, an Agence France-Presse photographer lends larger-than-life perspective to Usain Bolt, as Bolt gives mad props to his shoes, which are not Nikes.

Nike-logo illustration: Special to the Backbencher.

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NEXT WEEK IN THE BACKBENCHER ...

... I continue my tally of winners and losers at the XXIX Olympic Games, even though, by then, it will no longer be topical.

Family-Roster Minivan Decaling

Backbencher-reader Betsy, in response to last week’s post about Calvin-desecrating-a-logo rear-window decals, said, “they're still better than the cutesy stick figures that announce to the world how many members are in your family.”

Hmmm. That's a little bit hostile, isn't it? I’ve always liked minivan family-roster decaling. And I always wanted to do one for our family. The problem is, I can’t find the illustrations needed to properly represent our family unit. Based on my wife, my children, and the contents of our garage and storage shed, here’s what ours should look like:

Family Matters

Sorry about not posting last week. I have been consumed with other matters.

Last Tuesday, doctors removed a large mass from my wife’s abdomen. It was purple, slimy, and seemed angry to be disturbed. We named it Zane. I’m happy to say that Zane pinked up quite nicely within several seconds after removal, and he was definitely less gross after a bath.

While my wife was on some serious pain medication recovering from her c-section, I decided, as a caring husband who is concerned about the quality of her healthcare, to test the effectiveness of the medications she was receiving by posing various questions to her, such as “Do you mind if I buy a pick-up truck?”

It turns out that the immediate post-op recovery period presents an excellent opportunity for husbands to get their wives’ approval on all kinds of critical family expenditures. Not only did she agree to a pick-up, but I also got her consent to a rider lawn tractor, a compound cross-cut miter saw, and something called an “Arctic Cat.”

I don’t know exactly what an Arctic Cat is, but I think it’s some kind of snowmobile. All I know for sure is, judging by the rear-window decals I see, Arctic Cat appears to be very popular with pick-up owners here in Grand Forks, North Dakota. Therefore, I figured, I should make sure to be able to get one, especially since I’m already getting the truck. I’ll need something to haul.

I should note that Arctic Cat’s popularity is not universal. One pick-up around town sports an apparently a new window decal depicting Calvin, of the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon strip, urinating on an Arctic Cat logo. This is remarkable for at least two reasons. First, it’s somewhat surprising that people are that passionate about their snowmobile brand preferences. Second, that whole Calvin-urinating-on-a-logo thing peaked when I was in high school.

Yikes.

America needs to find a new obnoxious window-decaling trend for our trucks. And that’s an issue you can be sure I will take up when I announce my write-in candidacy for president next week.

But, in the meantime, I should tell you that mother and baby are doing fine. Please e-mail me or post a comment to weigh in on whether I need a cup holder on my lawn tractor.