My Candidacy for Higher Office

Some time ago, I wrote that the following week I would be announcing my write-in candidacy for president of the United States of America.

I delayed my announcement. Why? I couldn’t really think of any issues.

But now, my fellow Americans, I have issues. Or, at least I have one issue. And I’ll tell you what that issue is, but first, as I embark upon my campaign for elected office, I need to tell you that I don’t think I have the maturity and experience necessary to be president of the United States. After all, this is the first election where I am actually old enough to run.

So, that’s why I have decided, my fellow Americans, that today, with a great sense of humility, I am announcing my write-in candidacy for vice president of the United States of America.

I feel I must run for vice president because: (1) Sarah Palin, the Republican nominee, has proven to be too controversial and too polarizing, and (2) no one knows who’s running for vice president on the Democratic ticket.

At first, I delayed throwing my hat in the ring because I wasn’t even sure you could run for vice president without being the running mate of someone who is running for president. On every ballot I’ve ever seen, you vote for both the president and vice president by punching the same hole or filling in the same circle. But then I realized, since I am running as a write-in, this is really your problem, as the voter, to figure out how to vote for me. Other candidates may say “This election is about you!” I, however, am the only candidate who is actually putting the onus on you of figuring out how it is even possible to cast a ballot for me.

So, you’ve been waiting to hear my issue.

My issue is lasers. Lasers allow us to print documents, whiten teeth, protect America from incoming nuclear missiles, erase tattoos, permanently and safely remove unwanted hair, point at things when we are making a presentation, excise tumors, and even create “Laser Light Spectaculars,” each of which has successfully put paying patrons in the seats of financially strapped planetariums when the prospect of mere “astronomy” failed to deliver.

Lasers can do almost anything. What else can they do? We don’t know. But has anyone even tried using lasers on the economic crisis? I will. As vice president – assuming I have the president’s permission – I will aim lasers at our burgeoning federal deficit, and I will permanently and safely laser away unwanted spending. I will also use lasers to stimulate the credit markets, loosening the flow of capital to small businesses across this country.

Now, I understand that the office of vice president, under our Constitution, is a position without much formal power. This is okay by me. For one, it’s more power than I have now.

But for another thing that you are allowed to do under the Constitution, is preside over the Senate. And I pledge I will do that just about all the time. It will be easy for me to keep this campaign promise, because I like watching myself on TV. And I’ll TiVo C-Span every day. I promise.

Better than that, my three-year-old likes watching me on TV. I once heard Jon Stewart complain that when he appeared on Sesame Street, his kid acted totally unimpressed. Well, my son is not like that. One day at Target, Joe noticed that he could see me captured on closed-circuit television. He acted like I was a rock star. “Daddy! Look! You’re on the TV!”

So, Jon Stewart, eat your heart out. Everybody else, this November 4, cast your ballot for Eric E. Johnson for vice president of the United States of America. If you do, I promise you won’t regret it, especially if you live in a non-battleground state and are generally forgetful.

Comments

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I believe 100% with your comments of sara palin. Mccain gave a great speach after he loss and now i feel even stronger of how much of a great man he is.