The Backbencher

You Just Lost the Olympics

The Olympics are now over, and it’s time to tally up the winners and losers.

Arguably the Games' most impressive story was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who became the greatest sprinter in history, winning three gold medals and setting world records with each one. Particularly stunning was Bolt’s performance in the 100 meters, where he got so far ahead of everyone else that, 20 meters from the finish, he slowed down, completed a moderate-difficulty sudoku, confirmed all his pending friend requests on Facebook, and then jogged lazily to the finish line.

And that brings us to the biggest loser of the games: Nike.

Usain Bolt accomplished all he did in sparkling metallic-gold Pumas. Yup, that wasn’t a typo: I’m talking about Puma-brand athletic shoes.

When I went to middle school, if you wore anything but Nikes, you had to be prepared to be locked in a janitorial closet from 5th period Friday through 2nd period Monday. It was humiliating. Plus, you missed “Knight Rider.”

My, how times have changed. Residents all over northwest Oregon must have heard the anguished screams of Nike executives every time Bolt effortlessly cruised to another victory. I love how Bolt rubbed it in by posing with the shoes for photographers.

Not only did Nike suffer that indignity, but, if you believe what you read on the athletic-apparel blogs (and who doesn't?), Nike was apparently ready to spend tens of millions of dollars to sign a deal with Michael Phelps. But they lost out. To Speedo.

And just to be clear about what we’re talking about: This is Nike trying to drop eight figures on an athlete who competes in a sport in which HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

More than that, his very smiling presence on television seems to say, “If you want to get an awesome body like mine from your workout, then YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES EITHER.”

And Nike lost him to Speedo?

I’ve got to say, I feel like this is a fate Nike richly deserves. When I went to the Atlanta Olympics as a spectator in 1996, Nike had a billboard hovering right over Centennial Olympic Park, where it was visible to all the athletes and their parents, reading:

“You don’t win silver. You lose gold.”

Hmmm. Bet they won't be resurrecting that ad campaign anytime soon.

Photo, above: A willing pawn in the global marketing wars, an Agence France-Presse photographer lends larger-than-life perspective to Usain Bolt, as Bolt gives mad props to his shoes, which are not Nikes.

Nike-logo illustration: Special to the Backbencher.

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NEXT WEEK IN THE BACKBENCHER ...

... I continue my tally of winners and losers at the XXIX Olympic Games, even though, by then, it will no longer be topical.

Baby Furniture to Creep You Out for a Lifetime

I write today to tell you about one of the scariest products ever to be offered for sale anywhere in the world: the lifetime crib.

When your child is old enough, the lifetime crib converts into a toddler bed. After more years have gone by, it converts into a full-size bed.

Uh huh. You heard right: This is a piece of furniture designed to last your child's ENTIRE lifetime.

The advertising materials don’t say this, but once your child has passed on, the lifetime crib can even be broken up into kindling and used as a funeral pyre.

Why, these manufacturers ask, would you buy just a crib when you could buy a single piece of furniture that will take your child through his or her entire lifetime?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MAJORLY CREEP MYSELF OUT. THAT’S WHY.

Call me weird, but when I place my newborn in a crib for the first time, I’m not interested in turning to my wife and saying, “Just think, honey, decades from now, long after we are dead, our son, when he is shriveled with age and too weak to move, will take his last labored breath in this piece of furniture. Golly gee, isn’t that great?”

Baby’s Dream Furniture, Inc., for instance, sells a lifetime crib with the name – and this is actual truth – “Infinity.”

Baby’s Dream urges that their cribs will ease the baby’s transition from crib to toddler bed “because the child remains in the same environment that they have grown comfortable with.”

Yikes. Remind me that I do not want to hear Baby’s Dream’s prescription for weaning.

So here's my plea to the world's corporations: Please stop reminding me of my own mortality. You are a corporation. So I understand that, in the regular course of business, you may have to kill me with pollution, saturated fat, cholera brought on by low-flow toilets – whatever. You've got to do what you've got to do to make a buck. Fair enough. But please, please stop needlessly reminding me that I am going to die.

As bad as crib manufacturers are about reminding you of your own mortality, no one is worse than the car companies.

This is because, out of some irresistible compulsion, car companies are simply unable to make commercials about cars. They must, instead, make them about life’s transitions.

One of the creepiest car commercials of all time was a Saturn ad (below) featuring Alphaville's slow-dance prom anthem, "Forever Young."

The commercial depicts four teenagers in a Saturn Ion slowly driving through a town called “High School.” The car rolls past kids in tuxedos and prom dresses having the time of their life. It’s all very surreal and dream-like. Then the travelers in the Saturn reach a sign that says “Leaving High School.”

Having spent literally seconds in High School, the young folks then drive on down the road into the empty night.

Does this make you think about buying a Saturn? I'll tell you what it makes me think: “Oh. That’s our existence. We’re all just speeding through life in a compact mid-market sedan, racing toward an exit called ‘Death.’”

I’m doing the math in my head for the kids in the commercial. It’s a 30-second ad. If they did high school inside a half-minute, these kids are going to be dead before the next commercial break.

Cheerful!

So, let me just conclude by saying, there’s no time to go the auto mall, my friend! Just crawl in my lifetime crib and HOLD ME while the bittersweet swell of life rushes by!

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Illustrations:

Picture: The "Kathryn" lifetime crib from Baby's Dream. Creep-out factor: 9.7.

Video: The Saturn Ion "High School" commercial. Creep-out factor: 11.