The Backbencher

Consumer Alert: Nourishing Body Wash

While taking a shower, I noticed we have a new bottle of Dove "Nourishing Body Wash" on the chrome do-hickey that is hung on the shower head. As soon as I saw this I realized that I MUST BLOG ABOUT THIS RIGHT AWAY. 

What Dove has created here is truly a miracle: I mean, think about this - nourishing body wash - an innovation that allows people for the first time in history to absorb nourishment right from their soap. 

Now there's no excuse for coming to breakfast before a shower. Hungry? Grab some nourishment while you wash! 

Oh, the wonderful times in which we live. To be honest with you, having watched the Jetsons growing up, I kind of thought that by now we would ride around in floating bubble cars, live in space, and have robots to do our laundry. But if nourishing body wash is the innovation we get, then I'm alright with that. 

I've also learned that a corollary advance has already been handed to us by nature itself: cleansing foods. According to many reputable websites, food such as blueberries, beets, and seaweed not only taste great, they will actually clean you as you eat them.

Now, as exciting as this all is, I need to make one thing very clear: No one should be using BOTH nourishing body wash AND cleansing foods at the same time. That just doesn't make any sense. 

Look, if you are really malnourished, and food isn't doing the trick, then trying a nourishing body wash is a sensible option. By the same token, if you find that you are filthy, and soap is just not getting results, then by all means, try adding some cleansing foods to your diet.

But if you are using both cleansing foods and nourishing body wash, then, my friend, you need to think this through: Using soap for nourishment and food for cleansing is not a great strategy. I mean, this could explain why, lately, you've been cranky, light-headed, and foul-smelling. No one wants to be around you like that. Try concentrating on soap that's specifically made for washing and food that's actually intended to feed you. You'll not only be cleaner and better nourished, you will likely reduce your grocery bills as well. 

I hope you found this educational and informative. If you'd like more consumer tips on how to lead a healthy, active lifestyle while staying on a budget, ask someone else. I'm going back into the bathroom to look for a bar of normal soap so I can finish my shower.

You Just Lost the Olympics

The Olympics are now over, and it’s time to tally up the winners and losers.

Arguably the Games' most impressive story was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who became the greatest sprinter in history, winning three gold medals and setting world records with each one. Particularly stunning was Bolt’s performance in the 100 meters, where he got so far ahead of everyone else that, 20 meters from the finish, he slowed down, completed a moderate-difficulty sudoku, confirmed all his pending friend requests on Facebook, and then jogged lazily to the finish line.

And that brings us to the biggest loser of the games: Nike.

Usain Bolt accomplished all he did in sparkling metallic-gold Pumas. Yup, that wasn’t a typo: I’m talking about Puma-brand athletic shoes.

When I went to middle school, if you wore anything but Nikes, you had to be prepared to be locked in a janitorial closet from 5th period Friday through 2nd period Monday. It was humiliating. Plus, you missed “Knight Rider.”

My, how times have changed. Residents all over northwest Oregon must have heard the anguished screams of Nike executives every time Bolt effortlessly cruised to another victory. I love how Bolt rubbed it in by posing with the shoes for photographers.

Not only did Nike suffer that indignity, but, if you believe what you read on the athletic-apparel blogs (and who doesn't?), Nike was apparently ready to spend tens of millions of dollars to sign a deal with Michael Phelps. But they lost out. To Speedo.

And just to be clear about what we’re talking about: This is Nike trying to drop eight figures on an athlete who competes in a sport in which HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

More than that, his very smiling presence on television seems to say, “If you want to get an awesome body like mine from your workout, then YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES EITHER.”

And Nike lost him to Speedo?

I’ve got to say, I feel like this is a fate Nike richly deserves. When I went to the Atlanta Olympics as a spectator in 1996, Nike had a billboard hovering right over Centennial Olympic Park, where it was visible to all the athletes and their parents, reading:

“You don’t win silver. You lose gold.”

Hmmm. Bet they won't be resurrecting that ad campaign anytime soon.

Photo, above: A willing pawn in the global marketing wars, an Agence France-Presse photographer lends larger-than-life perspective to Usain Bolt, as Bolt gives mad props to his shoes, which are not Nikes.

Nike-logo illustration: Special to the Backbencher.

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NEXT WEEK IN THE BACKBENCHER ...

... I continue my tally of winners and losers at the XXIX Olympic Games, even though, by then, it will no longer be topical.

Going Nuclear with Household Chores

It’s been an open secret for a long time now that lawn mowers are a way for guys to fulfill their fantasy of owning and operating farm equipment. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life was allowing my wife to talk me out of getting a John Deere riding lawn-and-garden tractor for our new house.

Granted, our yard is not really large enough for a regulation tetherball game. How can I be so sure about that? You don’t want to know. And please don’t ask my wife about it either. While you're at it, please also don’t ask her about any of the following: arena croquet, pilates-ball golf, or Lawn Darts: 3-D.

Now, while I didn't get a riding lawn-mower, I did get a good walking mower. Not only is it self-propelled, but you don't even have to pull the ripcord to get it started. You start it by putting a key into the ignition and turning it. Why do I need a keyed ignition for a lawn mower? Because it is awesome. I generally let it stall out several times when mowing, just so I can tun the key and crank it up again it up again.

Now, while awesome lawn technology is old news, the introduction of awesomeness to inside-the-house technology is relatively new. You may have noticed that, in recent years, we’ve seen a radical leap forward in vacuum technology.

Pretending I'm a farmer when I'm mowing the lawn is great. But next time you turn down aisle 21B at your local Target, you’ll quickly see that today’s vacuums offer carpet owners something even better: The potential to live out their fantasy of owning and operating a nuclear reactor. You know, a small nuclear reactor - but extremely dangerous all the same.

That’s why, I’ve decided, THE biggest mistake of my life was letting my wife go to the store without me to buy a replacement vacuum cleaner.

Look at these Dyson vacuums. I am not sure of exactly what I am seeing here, but with all these cylindrical and tubular shapes, somewhere in there is pretty clearly a magma chamber. And that is definitely something I need.

Now, not all of today's vacuums look as cool as the Dysons, but most of them offer some kind of alluring hazard. Dirt Devil makes a vacuum with a containment vessel on it that is menacingly emblazoned with the words “REACTION Fresh."

Hoover makes - and this is the actual truth - an "ALL-TERRAIN STEAM VAC." It's "all-terrain" because it works on both hardwood floors and carpet.

Taking the whole enterprise up a notch is the Dyson DC25 (professional catalog shot at right). In addition to the standard reactor core on top, it has, as you can see, a sinister-looking metallic-yellow sphere, presumably containing enriched plutonium.

The vacuum my wife bought looks like ... hmmm. I can only describe it this way: a vacuum. What was she thinking? She must have been shopping completely at random, comparing factors such as price.

My wife asks me why I don’t do more of the vacuuming. Well, I'd vacuum if we had the Dyson DC25. That's a piece of equipment where, you don't turn it on, you "initiate the arming sequence." Believe me, I could put down my lawn mower for that.

WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE READING ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER IN LAW.

The reason we needed to get a new vacuum is that we had to replace our “eight-pound” Oreck XL. The Oreck XL has the aesthetics of an answering machine from 1977. It was given to us as a wedding present by my mother-in-law, presumably because - and this is not a real stretch here - the Oreck XL is heavily advertised on conservative talk radio.

In fact, nearly 75 percent of conservative talk radio commercials are for either the Oreck XL, the Bose Wave radio, Ovaltine, or the Duxiana "MemoryFoam" bed. The remainder of the commercials are for vitamin supplements hawked by Larry King and investment opportunities. Most of the investment opportunities are targeted to people who are deeply skeptical of wacko-liberal financial gimmicks, such as federally insured bank accounts.

"Are you concerned that the Democrats in Congress could surrender America to the Chinese? Experts predict that in such a scenario, American currency could become worthless. But for thousands of years gold has retained its value. Call Direct Gold for a free prospectus ..."

You know, maybe I can call in to Sean Hannity and enlist his help in pressuring my wife to get the Dyson DC25. Think about it. If civil order collapses, I'll need nuclear technology to help protect my family from the communists. And you know they'll be coming for us. Especially if they suspect we have our life's savings stored up as Direct-Gold-certified coins and tucked beneath our MemoryFoam mattress.