The Backbencher

Consumer Alert: Nourishing Body Wash

While taking a shower, I noticed we have a new bottle of Dove "Nourishing Body Wash" on the chrome do-hickey that is hung on the shower head. As soon as I saw this I realized that I MUST BLOG ABOUT THIS RIGHT AWAY. 

What Dove has created here is truly a miracle: I mean, think about this - nourishing body wash - an innovation that allows people for the first time in history to absorb nourishment right from their soap. 

Now there's no excuse for coming to breakfast before a shower. Hungry? Grab some nourishment while you wash! 

Oh, the wonderful times in which we live. To be honest with you, having watched the Jetsons growing up, I kind of thought that by now we would ride around in floating bubble cars, live in space, and have robots to do our laundry. But if nourishing body wash is the innovation we get, then I'm alright with that. 

I've also learned that a corollary advance has already been handed to us by nature itself: cleansing foods. According to many reputable websites, food such as blueberries, beets, and seaweed not only taste great, they will actually clean you as you eat them.

Now, as exciting as this all is, I need to make one thing very clear: No one should be using BOTH nourishing body wash AND cleansing foods at the same time. That just doesn't make any sense. 

Look, if you are really malnourished, and food isn't doing the trick, then trying a nourishing body wash is a sensible option. By the same token, if you find that you are filthy, and soap is just not getting results, then by all means, try adding some cleansing foods to your diet.

But if you are using both cleansing foods and nourishing body wash, then, my friend, you need to think this through: Using soap for nourishment and food for cleansing is not a great strategy. I mean, this could explain why, lately, you've been cranky, light-headed, and foul-smelling. No one wants to be around you like that. Try concentrating on soap that's specifically made for washing and food that's actually intended to feed you. You'll not only be cleaner and better nourished, you will likely reduce your grocery bills as well. 

I hope you found this educational and informative. If you'd like more consumer tips on how to lead a healthy, active lifestyle while staying on a budget, ask someone else. I'm going back into the bathroom to look for a bar of normal soap so I can finish my shower.

You Just Lost the Olympics

The Olympics are now over, and it’s time to tally up the winners and losers.

Arguably the Games' most impressive story was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who became the greatest sprinter in history, winning three gold medals and setting world records with each one. Particularly stunning was Bolt’s performance in the 100 meters, where he got so far ahead of everyone else that, 20 meters from the finish, he slowed down, completed a moderate-difficulty sudoku, confirmed all his pending friend requests on Facebook, and then jogged lazily to the finish line.

And that brings us to the biggest loser of the games: Nike.

Usain Bolt accomplished all he did in sparkling metallic-gold Pumas. Yup, that wasn’t a typo: I’m talking about Puma-brand athletic shoes.

When I went to middle school, if you wore anything but Nikes, you had to be prepared to be locked in a janitorial closet from 5th period Friday through 2nd period Monday. It was humiliating. Plus, you missed “Knight Rider.”

My, how times have changed. Residents all over northwest Oregon must have heard the anguished screams of Nike executives every time Bolt effortlessly cruised to another victory. I love how Bolt rubbed it in by posing with the shoes for photographers.

Not only did Nike suffer that indignity, but, if you believe what you read on the athletic-apparel blogs (and who doesn't?), Nike was apparently ready to spend tens of millions of dollars to sign a deal with Michael Phelps. But they lost out. To Speedo.

And just to be clear about what we’re talking about: This is Nike trying to drop eight figures on an athlete who competes in a sport in which HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

More than that, his very smiling presence on television seems to say, “If you want to get an awesome body like mine from your workout, then YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES EITHER.”

And Nike lost him to Speedo?

I’ve got to say, I feel like this is a fate Nike richly deserves. When I went to the Atlanta Olympics as a spectator in 1996, Nike had a billboard hovering right over Centennial Olympic Park, where it was visible to all the athletes and their parents, reading:

“You don’t win silver. You lose gold.”

Hmmm. Bet they won't be resurrecting that ad campaign anytime soon.

Photo, above: A willing pawn in the global marketing wars, an Agence France-Presse photographer lends larger-than-life perspective to Usain Bolt, as Bolt gives mad props to his shoes, which are not Nikes.

Nike-logo illustration: Special to the Backbencher.

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NEXT WEEK IN THE BACKBENCHER ...

... I continue my tally of winners and losers at the XXIX Olympic Games, even though, by then, it will no longer be topical.