The Backbencher

Olympic Losers: Americans Who Purchased a Chevy

One of the many perks of living in Grand Forks, North Dakota is that you get over-the-air Canadian television. Their comedies are brilliant. The news programs are insightful. And they have great children's shows. In addition to teaching my kids to speak French and be extra polite, they also brainwash my kids to want toys that are, happily, not available in American stores.

But where Canadian TV really shines is with sports. They offer regular coverage of bobsled - my favorite sport since I was five - and everything else that golf and Nascar pushes off the air in the States. Best yet, when the Olympics come around, Canadian television opens a window into the hidden goings on of another culture. 

As an interloper to Canadian broadcasting, you, as a viewer, are addressed as if you were a red-blooded Canadian. So the ads attempt to appeal to your maple-leaf patriotism to patronize the official sponsors of Team Canada. Businesses that have forked over money to help Canada win Olympic gold include the Royal Bank of Canada, Air Canada, and Rona - a home-improvement warehouse store native to the provinces.

That's all great. And I'm sure those companies couldn't care less if Americans find out that they are sponsoring their country's Olympic team. But one sponsor of Team Canada shocked me: Chevrolet.

Oh, the dark secrets you can learn by watching Canadian television! Now, listen, I have nothing against Canada, but helping them hand the United States a humiliating loss in curling is not exactly what I was hoping to accomplish with my new car purchase. 

Look, if you want to sponsor the arts, children's charities, and the search for a cure for cancer - and even help them all at the same time - that's wonderful. No one comes out a loser. But if you are trying to help Canada win gold medals, that necessarily means you are trying to help the USA lose. And I can't get behind that.

When I grew up, there was a jingle that was ubiquitous on television: "Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet." Back then, Chevy was all about America. Well, not anymore. If you buy a Chevrolet, you might as well knit Canada's hockey coach a sweater.

You don't believe me? Read about GM's proud involvement in the $110 million "Own the Podium" initiative, which was "designed to help Canada become the number one medal-winning nation at the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games."

Now, I want to be very clear here: I am by no means suggesting or implying that you should refuse to do business with Chevrolet because of this - that is a step you should take only - and I mean only - if you love America.

Un-Conventional Wisdom

It was lousy timing for the Democrats to start their convention the day after the Beijing Olympics ended. It really brought into stark contrast the boringness of national politics compared to sports – even sports like synchronized diving.

No matter how much of an ardent Democrat you are, you have to admit, there was not a single speech given at the Democratic National Convention that couldn’t have been improved by having the speaker deliver it while jumping on a trampoline.

One of the problems with the convention was its pre-determined outcome. With sports, unless it involves Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps, you really never know who’s going to win. But the Democratic convention was, of course, entirely staged, with Obama’s people making sure that there was not a single thing left to chance. Ironically, this was done by the campaign in order to custom tailor the convention for television. Yet the whole thing ended up not even having the requisite level of excitement necessary to justify a PowerPoint presentation.

If political parties want people to watch conventions on television, then they’ve got to give us a reason to tune in. Television is not rocket science: To be watchable, the convention’s got to be either funny, dramatic, sexy, or chock full of home-decorating advice. Since politicians aren’t funny or sexy, and since they don’t like to talk about the lobbyists who paid for their home decorating, that leaves dramatic as their only option.

Back before Hilary Clinton conceded, it looked like the Democratic convention could actually get dramatic. Most of the expected drama seemed to hinge on the question of what the “super delegates” might do.

Having delegates that were “super” was an inspired idea, but they turned out to be a big-time let down. Long before the convention started, they all decided to fall in line for what was “good for the party,” which is politico-speak for “bad for television.”

Politicians are always saying that this country is tired of “politics as usual.” Great. I agree. It’s time for them to put their money where their mouths are, nix the super delegates, and try these instead:

CELEBRITY MYSTERY DELEGATES – These would be delegates whom no one would know the identity of until they were revealed during prime-time at the convention. Imagine this: A curtain goes up, and silhouetted mystery delegates are suddenly illuminated with spotlights. A baritone announcer booms:

From “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” please give a warm welcome to Tom Bergeron! Next, you know her as that gold-medal-winning darling from the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, please give it up for Kerri Strug! And finally, the father you remember from “Growing Pains,” and most recently host of the “All New 3’s a Crowd” on the Game Show Network, ALAN THICKE!!!”

SURPRISE DELEGATES – These delegates would be ordinary folks – just like you and me – who, while sitting at home, would find out that they have been picked to board a plane in the next two hours to travel to the convention and to help pick America’s next president! Of course, to keep television ratings high, they would have to call within 10 minutes after their name was announced on television, otherwise someone else would be picked to go in their place. Ideally, the names would be revealed by opening aluminum briefcases held by models, and Howie Mandel would emcee: “Susan Brykowski of Lake Ronkonkoma, call in now to confirm your place as a Surprise Delegate! Hurry, you have just seven minutes left!”

CASTAWAY DELEGATES – How awesome would it be to see bitter defeated candidates sitting on a jury of castaway delegates, with the would-be nominees taking their questions and groveling for their votes? Imagine Dennis Kucinich asking Obama, “Do you remember in New Hampshire when my campaign got lost on the way to the Laconia Senior Center, and your campaign told us to go the wrong way on Route 11A, and we ended up in Meaderboro Corner before we figured out where we were? Do you think that was political fair play? And if not, why should I still vote for you?”

You Just Lost the Olympics

The Olympics are now over, and it’s time to tally up the winners and losers.

Arguably the Games' most impressive story was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who became the greatest sprinter in history, winning three gold medals and setting world records with each one. Particularly stunning was Bolt’s performance in the 100 meters, where he got so far ahead of everyone else that, 20 meters from the finish, he slowed down, completed a moderate-difficulty sudoku, confirmed all his pending friend requests on Facebook, and then jogged lazily to the finish line.

And that brings us to the biggest loser of the games: Nike.

Usain Bolt accomplished all he did in sparkling metallic-gold Pumas. Yup, that wasn’t a typo: I’m talking about Puma-brand athletic shoes.

When I went to middle school, if you wore anything but Nikes, you had to be prepared to be locked in a janitorial closet from 5th period Friday through 2nd period Monday. It was humiliating. Plus, you missed “Knight Rider.”

My, how times have changed. Residents all over northwest Oregon must have heard the anguished screams of Nike executives every time Bolt effortlessly cruised to another victory. I love how Bolt rubbed it in by posing with the shoes for photographers.

Not only did Nike suffer that indignity, but, if you believe what you read on the athletic-apparel blogs (and who doesn't?), Nike was apparently ready to spend tens of millions of dollars to sign a deal with Michael Phelps. But they lost out. To Speedo.

And just to be clear about what we’re talking about: This is Nike trying to drop eight figures on an athlete who competes in a sport in which HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

More than that, his very smiling presence on television seems to say, “If you want to get an awesome body like mine from your workout, then YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR SHOES EITHER.”

And Nike lost him to Speedo?

I’ve got to say, I feel like this is a fate Nike richly deserves. When I went to the Atlanta Olympics as a spectator in 1996, Nike had a billboard hovering right over Centennial Olympic Park, where it was visible to all the athletes and their parents, reading:

“You don’t win silver. You lose gold.”

Hmmm. Bet they won't be resurrecting that ad campaign anytime soon.

Photo, above: A willing pawn in the global marketing wars, an Agence France-Presse photographer lends larger-than-life perspective to Usain Bolt, as Bolt gives mad props to his shoes, which are not Nikes.

Nike-logo illustration: Special to the Backbencher.

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NEXT WEEK IN THE BACKBENCHER ...

... I continue my tally of winners and losers at the XXIX Olympic Games, even though, by then, it will no longer be topical.

The Author is Still on "Vacation"

I am still in the central Florida sunshine with my family at Walt Disney World. We fly back later today, and I will have a full report on your desk next Monday.

In the meantime, if you are looking for something funny, check out this piece by Dave Eggers, "The True Story of American Soccer" on Slate.com.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. See you next week.

Talkin' Sports Over Some Law-Firm Beers

In my post last week, I explained how, as a law-firm associate, I was assailed every year in my annual review for the “complicated color system” of tape flags that I used in a document review during my first year as an associate. te.

You know what’s particularly unfair about being singled out for that? Lawyers are always making things more complicated than necessary. It’s part of the culture.

For instance, one large L.A. law firm I know uses important-sounding covert-government-style abbreviations for everything, especially the firm committees. The policy committee, and this is completely true, is “POLCOM.” The litigation steering committee is "LITCOM." And the committee for food and beverage, no joke, is called “EDPOT,” for “edibles and potables.”

Hearing a person I know from this law firm talk about firm governance is like listening to a Tom Clancy book-on-tape. That is, to borrow some book-jacket language, it is “a chillingly authentic heart-pounding supercharged thrill-ride!” When this lawyer talks, it is as if YOU ARE THERE, right in the room where the decisions are being made …

And then SECPOLCOM entered the room, pointing to the CRT, indicating the EDPOT scenarios. “I recommend positioning our Amstel Lights to the left of the Heinekens.”

You may have noticed that Amstel Lights and Heinekens are a universal constant at law firms. From New York to Los Angeles, and every law firm in between, when it’s time to serve beer, it’s Heinekens and Amstel Lights. You know I am right. Oh, firms like to pretend they are different from one another, but they all answer the beer question the same way.

Why is it always Heinekens and Amstel Lights? I’ll tell you why — it’s because they are the safe beers. They taste like domestics, but they are just foreign enough to say, “We’re sophisticated.”

The truth hurts, I know. But lawyers are the most risk averse of professionals. No law firm would dare serve Miller Lite. Casual Fridays caused enough of an uproar. But serving a Budweiser, that'll never happen.

The law itself is a risk-averse profession. When times are good, or when times are bad, people need lawyers. It’s a safe bet, career wise.

That’s why lawyers like to talk about sports. An interest in sports is a safe bet. It shows you are culturally connected to the mainstream. But since George F. Will wrote a book about baseball, it’s not inconsistent with being a discerning high-brow.

Lawyers love to burst out with observations such as, “They’re playing Warner too close to the net to make the option effective against that passing defense, especially when you factor in the infield-fly rule.”

This caused me considerable stress during my law-firm days. I love sports, but I was prone, for example, to forgo watching SportsCenter and keeping track of player statistics when my own hours-per-night sleep stat was hitting 2.5, 2.6 — or thereabouts.

Now sure, sleep’s not that much fun when you spend the whole time having nightmares in which you are frantically trying to figure out what to do with a document that has a blue tape flag in the upper right corner. But at least some sleep is necessary, otherwise you’re liable to burst into a meeting saying, “I like pudding!”

And if you do that, you’d sure as heck better like pudding alright. Because that’s what you’ll be talking about with the REVCOM every year for the next several years. Don’t ask how I know.…